The end…

Posted: July 26, 2011 in Tallinn

And so this brings my 7 day hitchhike across Europe to an end. I crossed the borders overland of 8 countries, travelled 1200 miles, slept in railway stations, with Latvian gypsy famers, hung out with a professional NBA player, still managed to smash my holiday budget, but most importantly had a whole new set of experiences that through this blog, and you my audience will live forever.

So until next time. Bon voyage my friends!


How I finished up lol. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy passing wind. *SMILE* lol. See you guys!


A Brief Note on the Stag

Posted: July 26, 2011 in Tallinn

I said goodbye to The Turk the day after, and I must admit that each time we said goodbye to a member of the 5 strong group I felt a little shudder. Unless I upend my historical pattern of communication, I will never speak to these people again really. So it’s always a little strange saying goodbye to someone –and thinking that in all likelihood you will never see him or her again.

It is kind of strange leaving people and having them go. Hmm.

As far the stag, all worked out really well. I managed to stay in the same room as the other guys that had flown in from England, and we proceeded to enjoy the weekend in Stag like fashion.

Getting very drunk, eating occasionally, sleeping even less (minus napping) and then heading out again to follow the same cycle for 2 days. 400 euros was spent without really doing anything by one person (to the wider amusement of the group), 150 euros spend in 3 hours by another, notably 50 euros on a 5 euro ride, one stag got drunk and tried to beat up the other, and distress calls were sent to members of the group.

With my brother in law Rob I took quite a long wonder around town seeing some of Tallinn’s sights.

Some members of the stag

A note must be made about the women; they are incredibly attractive. blond, blue haired, curvy and slim and therefore miles out of my league. I instead spent my time downing pints and having a laugh with the lads.


One of the wonderful shops near to our hotel. Ah lovely jubbly - who wants some second hand muff LOL

We stopped off in Parnau to grab a coffee – it was about midnight when we turned up, it being a Thursday night/Friday morning now , and Pavel seemed determind to run his routines on the local women. Because I had been much more a listener than a speaker throughout our trip I believe he saw me as something of a student. I was the youngest in the car travelling anyway at it turned out at the grand old age of 24. Again he started telling me his routine.

  1. Gain their trust
  2. Make them look up to you
  3. Etc etc

Art to it? Screw with their minds fundamentally according to what I was told lol. Although I'm male, so I think we do that naturally lol

And so I saw him in action again. He put on quite an amusing show. But anyway one coffee later, and several yawns off we headed again into the night.

It was about 3am that we arrived in Tallinn. Having not found a spare room in the bachelor party hotel, we were directed to the nearest hostel. It was there we said our goodbyes.

Pavel, the shattered Pavel who had been a great driver and friend to us said his goodbyes to us here. On a side note I’ve just remembered that  we went to an Estonian roadside café and The Turk and I found it so amusing that Pavel could not speak Estonian – the language of his country, and instead had to work with Russian and English.  He took some stick for that!

Random Guy. Just thought I would put him in. Pavel had one of these moments

The Turk and I wandered out to meet some local life and were very much pleased to see that drinking on the street is completely acceptable, and immediately took advantage of this by ordering a drink in the bar and wandering outside.

Of course we soon flagged feeling royally fucked and I handed my half drunken beer to the nearest person I could pawn it off to – whom in this case happened to be a young Estonian football coach called Anton.


1200 miles overland. London England to Tallinn Estonia. 15 hours ahead of schedule! Mission accomplished.

Oh yeah! I rock. Nothing like Bush but this is a funny picture lol

Well we made a double drop off in Tallinn, having prior to that stopped at a roadside safe to eat some manky red Russian meat soup (which actually turned out to be pretty good – I call it manky to underline how negative stereotyping is narrow minded and reflective of someone that doesn’t travel much….like me….and therefore how much what I just said is complete crap – do you get it lol?) and I took my top off to pose my a motorbike thing and show off my now withered body that had once rippled like an adonis at a hen party lol.

Oh us band of merry men. What an odd group we are. What a wonderful time we had. From left to right. Skinny indian that looks like his skinny frame is developing moobs. Balding pale faced Felix who has a cat name and a most mild mannered personality. The Chief. Don't fuck with him. The Turk. Stop flapping your arms man! And Pavel. Ok pretty boy. Calm down.

So it was to “The Chief” (he really did look like the boss) aka Scarface that we said our goodbyes in Riga. It must be mentioned that my eyebrows were raised somewhat when he said he had met a woman he had his way with whilst living as a bum in Berlin. The man doesn’t speak a word of English or German FFS (for fuck’s sake) – and looks like a criminal.  Who would sleep with him in that state of disrepair? Probably another tramp no doubt lol.

So off he went to party, as he said he was going to have a few days of booze filled mayhem as funded by the random members of his family who were sympathetic enough to shower him with cheap vodka (he sounds a lot like me to be honest…) and then go and get whooped by his wife! Good times!

Felix, who admittedly been something of a non-entity during the course of the car rides also said his goodbyes to us in Riga as he went off to meet his expectant girlfriend. They see each other once every three weeks – that would take some getting used to for me.

However, whilst his reticence in the car gave all the impression that his quiet boy approach was a way of being for him, I think it was also to do with how “The Chief” liked to coup himself up upon our shoulders during the whole journey. Using us as pillows he and his slightly sweaty (as they always were!) armpits provided us with a very cinematic experience as you could almost smell his farm on him.

It may well have also been some of the journey’s focus on the female form and his honour he has for his girlfriend. When I say the journey’s focus. I mean Pavel’s focus lol. Would love to have known what was swimming through Felix’s head throughout!

Anyway, and so then there were three and off we headed towards Parnau in Estonia in search of more frolics as Pavel was determined to make a stop off enroute to see the beach and grab a coffee – which has become a necessity to keep him driving.

The cure that kept us from snoozing. And shitting incidentally. I swear I saw my stools once in four days. I don't care if that's inappropriate. I know everyone that's reading this shits more than once every four days.

At this point I must add that The Turk and Magnet Man ended up sharing driving duties between them for the last 500 kilometres, and it was quite amusing to see his 6ft 9inch frame fit into the driver side of Pavel’s car.

We were all given nicknames. By all I mean 3 of us. Magnet man – because of Pavel’s love for magnets. It also turns out that Perpetual motion being a myth is not true, you can have perpetual motion as Pavel displayed to me in his room in Berlin. To my untrained eye however I am in no position to tell whether his belief holds substance – again we must turn online to look further into this.

"Perpetual motion describes hypothetical machines that operate or produce useful work indefinitely and, more generally, hypothetical machines that produce more work or energy than they consume, whether they might operate indefinitely or not.' Go go wikipedia! lol

And he travels to Estonia to stay with his parents but actually wishes to import magnets from Russia in order to expand upon this theory/application of perpetual motion in order to help spread it to the wider world!

Anyway what a strange bunch we were. A sprawling Turkish 40 year old sports coach who had worked as an entertainer in his previous life in a hotel. The Latvian gypsy farmer that was headed back home with his tail between his legs and no mobile phone. Myself, the British Indian deciding to travel over 1,000 miles overland to go to a damn bachelor party, the travelling academic on his way to Riga to see his girlfriend that he plans to marry next year, and Pavel, who in many respects defies the traditional conventions of classifications. Who knows what he is.

So as you can imagine, as we entered a McCafe (please note these do not exist in England, but they really fucking should) we were getting some strange, and then some stranger looks. Especially as we bought cups of coffee then proceeded to go upstairs and start making ham and cheese sandwiches lol. Ah, good times!

Bring these to England repeat bring these to England. Way cooler than the actual Mcdonald's. They don't do french fries though....fuck em them1

Yessssss! Go Ronald Go Ronald Go lol! Ahhhh.....

Pavel “Mr I have slept with more women in this last 18 months than I have during the rest of my life” did a good job of stopping two local girls in this last German border town in the absolute middle of fucking nowhere to ask them where was good to party in this drab looking town.

Ah yes....alot of the former soviet bloc smaller towns look like this! Grey, and as boring as fucking hell lol.

Now normally you’d expect that the small town occupants would have some place where at least those mildy interested in a life outside serial depression would gather to talk about how depressing their life is…like a pub. But actually, these girls said there was no where. Let me repeat that for you.


(Insert pause for effect of your own length here. 3 seconds is normally good)

And so we continued with our journey. Tallinn awaits!!

Staying Up

Posted: July 26, 2011 in Berlin to Tallinn

I can’t recall a time I stayed awake through an entire night in the car as we drove through Germany and into Poland. It’s amazing the effect stimulating conversation can have upon the mind, the hours seemed to fly by as Pavel told me one thing after another, and I felt like a sponge. Soaking up all this incredibly interesting body of knowledge he has that is new to me was great.

Wake up fool!

Everyone else in the car had knocked out. Well the Turk said he was awake through it all – Mr Rap loving 6ft 9inch former professional basket ball player that we decided with his long hair and sculpted cheek bones did not look too dissimilar from Snoop Dogg. I have my suspicions still though!

I awoke, having slept like a log (which I fast developed reputation for it seems on this trip), to the smell of eggs. Russian eggs. Al Pacino (as I don’t remember his name, not that he spoke any English, or that I spoke any Russian) made them for us. And how did they taste? Like nice eggs that someone had accidentally on purpose dropped a pot of salt on. I ate about half of it before I started getting salt sweats, at which point I decided it was best if I discontinue.

Remember when I said the eggs weren't quite for me? Well look at these eggs. Don't look very appetising right? Now imagine something MUCH MUCH worse lol

We met our final passenger – Mr Ahmed Turot aka Matt aka Snoop Dogg aka Snoop lol. We all soon acquired nicknames. And so off we went from Berlin – final destination Tallinn!

Probably taller than the real snoop. Lol by a huge margin! Same shaggy hair, same promiscuous nature. Just minus the family attachment! But a real laugh and a good man was Ahmed!

Our journey consisted of the following:

  • Conversations about conspiracy theories – how the government has limited technology in the last 100 years to maximise profits, and that the corporations control the world and there are about 13 families that control it above that. E.g. hybrid technology to make cars more fuel efficient has existed for over 15 years, but it only being slowly released now. 3d technology existed as early as the 90’s. However, as much money as possible needs to be eeked out of people so technologies are held back.
  • The same principle with pharmaceutical – there is no money in cures only in treatments. The cure for AIDS has existed since the 90’s. And it is actually a man made virus that was engineered by the CIA as a form of population control for Africa
  • UFO’s – the round saucers as popularised in much alien fiction is actually technology in human possession but has been held back from the public. They possess the same principles of movement as a tornado by creating a vortex of wind
  • The laws of attraction with women, and the perfect way to seduce any woman following this series of simple steps that Pavel outlined. 1. First they must trust you 2. They must respect you 3. They must think you do not care 4. I don’t remember 4.
  • Pavel has magnet’s on his fuel lines and pours part acetone into his petrol tank ti improve fuel consumption – and it works! Ha ha – I was impressed!
  • He has a fliter that cleans blood and improves the quality of your health vastly apparently

The man is like a walking odd man's encyclopedia. Very cool when approached with an open mind. You need to meet Mr Dawson lol. I sound gay right? Fuck you 🙂

And much more besides! It seems that Pave is a veritable fountain of irregular information that made the journey very entertaining for me. I like to listen a lot more than people would probably believe, but hey – I learnt a lot!

I would like to provide links to some of the things he spoke off but it is outside the scope of this blog (i.e. Deepak can’t be arsed) – however should you wish to know then just hit me up and I’ll do the best I can to share knowledge with you!